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Assumptions
ASSUMPTIONS KILLED THE DOG! |
You have heard the saying: "Curiosity killed the cat." My question to you is, do you know what killed the dog? Assumptions! Yes, assumptions are what killed the dog. Curiosity got the cat but assumptions got the dog. Now think about that. What do cats always do? How did that saying come about? Cats are always sticking their nose in and fussing around with things. They always seem to want to know what's going on or to be looking into things that are none of their business or, they are curious. Sooner or later this curiosity is going to create them harm, damage, maybe even kill them. And, hence, we have the saying: "Curiosity Killed the Cat." What about the dog?
Dogs are curious but they are also very trusting, am I right? The dog assumes that if you were nice to it yesterday, or the dog believes that if you were nice to it yesterday, you are going to be nice to him today. A dog has a tendency to live its life based upon whatever has happened to it. In my mind the dog tends to assume information and then live his/her life according to that information. Information is not always correct, or in other words, just because you were nice to the dog yesterday does not mean you will not kick the dog today. Hence, assumptions killed the dog. And, by the way, that is sad to me because I like dogs.
To begin, we need to define the word assumption. I do not know what the dictionary says, but I offer my own definition which is: An assumption is opinion, belief, or idea about a person, situation, or piece of equipment which is based in our experience rather than in reality. Now obviously our experience may approach reality. However, the point about an assumption is that we tend to live our life based upon whatever information we possess about a situation, person, piece of equipment regardless if that piece of information is really truthful or beneficial. Another way of stating is we live our lives based upon assumptions or based upon information which may be correct or may not be correct. Most likely in most assumptions there is some level of correctness, otherwise we probably would not use them. However it is the level or amount of correctness in any given assumption which can be our downfall; which can be the downfall to our progress in life.
There are several reasons we must operate on assumptions.
1. It's almost mandatory. None of us, not any person, can know all things. As a result we are forced to operate our life based upon what we have learned and based upon what we believe or assume to be correct from what we have learned. For example, in attempting to make some sort of relationship with another person we are forced to build that relationship based upon the assumptions or information that we have or believe we have about that person. That information, or assumptions, may be incorrect, totally correct, or only partially correct. Unfortunatly we do not know exactly how correct information is many times. Therefore we are living our lives and relating to this person based upon the best information available. Assumptions help us to know how to relate to people. In a similar fashion, assumptions help us to know how to relate to social situations, political situations, religious situations, our own physical situation and so on. Assumptions also help us know how to relate to machinery such as driving your car. We make assumptions about how the car will respond when we do certain things. However, when a situation occurs in driving the car that takes us outside of our information range or outside of the assumptions we have made about the car, we are still required to respond. The response may or may not be correct. The old information we know about the car, may or may not be useful in the new situation. In a like fashion the same thing occurs in relationships with people. At one level in a relationship with someone we have developed sufficient information or assumptions to be able to relate to that person fairly well. However, as the level changes or as the requirements of the relationship with that person change, so does the requirement for information change. Trouble is, if we do not receive or obtain new information, we are relating to that person based upon the old assumtions. The old assumptiions may not serve us well in the new circumstances with the person. Are you understanding what I am talking about here?
2. The second reason that we must operate on assumptions is that if we wait to know the truth or most of the truth before we have an interaction or relationship we would be waiting a very long time. We are forced, thereby, to function as best we can based upon our assuptions because we cannot wait to know all the truth. The problem with knowing all the truth is that the full truth probably does not exist for us to know in any given situation. It is also problematic in that it would take tremendous amounts of time. Particularly in relationships with people, a person tends not to be very forthcoming with all the information about themselves. One can count themselves very lucky in a relationship with a person if that person is willing to be completely and totally honest about who they are and what they believe. With such a person fewer assumptions would be needed. Trouble is, most people are not that forthcoming. Few relationships exist at that level and therefore all of society is forced to operate on assumptions.
3. Another point that we must understand in terms of operating on assumptions is that each of us needs to recognize that, indeed, we are operating or functioning based upon assumptions. We need to understand that our interaction with whichever person or situation or piece of machinery is based upon the best information we have. We must recognize that it is unlikely we know the complete truth. If we recognize that we do not know the complete truth about a situation or a person then we will be less likely fooled or fall into some sort of poor situation in that relationship.
4. Another point in terms of operating upon assumptions is that we must recognize our need to continualy gain new information about the situation or person or piece of machinery and there from adjust our assumptions. We must recognize our need to learn new information about relationships and situations in which we wish to place ourselves so that we can improve our ability and our safety level relative to those relationships. As my father always said: "You cannot rest on your laurels."
Obviously, it must be recognized that functioning or operating our lives based upon assumptions is not all bad or the wrong behavior. Since we are required to operate based upon assumptions then it only becomes seriously problematic or wrongful when we are foolish in terms of our response patterns based upon the assumptions we know about a person or situation.
Probably a good question to ask ourselves continuously is: "What do we really know about..." this person or situation. We should ask ourselves that question. This is not a suggestion that you develop a paranoia or distrust regarding what you learn about this person. It is simply a suggestion that it would be wise for each of us to continually re-adjust, as I said above, our information and our knowledge so that we can continuously improve the knowledge.
There have been other writings wherein I have talked about relationships and how to strengthen relationships. It is my opinion that one of the strengths that can develop in a relationship is when we do recognize that we are functioning with this particular person based upon the assumptions or the information that we know about this person and then we continually attempt to improve that information or increase the correctness of our assumptions with that person so that the relationship can become stronger. Another way of stating that is if you truly want a stronger and more positive relationship with a particular person, you need to be involved in getting to know that person better and better and better. The flipside of that statement is, it would appear that if you do not make an effort to get to know the person better, then perhaps you are not really interested in having a significant strong relationship. Obviously relationships only develop strength when there is clarity between the parties. When there is no clarity and truth, the relationship exists solely upon marginal or partial assumptions and there can be no strength in those kinds of situations.
A very negative and downside feature with relationships based upon assumptions is that assumptions can blind us from the truth. If I believe that a friend of mine is "really a good guy," then if some new information comes along to me that would cast some doubt on some portion of his"goodness," I am likely not to believe it. I am likely to ignore that information or write it off as some kind of spurious information or gossip. A very strong assumption about someone can blind us to the truth. Again, should always be reassessing our opinion about people, about our relationships. Not with the intent that we are going to tear them down or ignore them or become paranoid about them, but always with the intent to find out the true character or true basis for this relationship so that you can correctly make choices. With correct information we can choose to continue becoming more and more involved in strengthening the relationship with this person or we can determine not to be involved and leave the relationship. I am suggesting here that floating along in relationships whether with people, situations, groups, social contacts, machinery, or whatever is not a very smart or useful or beneficial behavior.
A corollary to what I just said above is that we may generalize our assumption from one person with whom we have positive relationship, to other people who we assume to be similar. This latter assumption can cause us to fail to seek new truth. For example, a person who has a very good friend and a strong relationship with this friend who belongs to a local service club, may generalize the assumptions about the friend to all the members of the service club. For example, the person may believe that the friend is honest and truthful and would never mistreat anyone. Therefore, since this friend is a member of the service club, the person that means that all members in the club would also not mistreat or be dishonest in a situation. That could be true, or it could be a major failure and create great problems. My point is just because your friend is good person and member of a particular group, it does not mean that all members of that group are as good as your friend.
This thought should come as no surprise, given the point to which we have arrived. Operating solely on assumptions without dealing appropriately as recommended above can cause injury to others.
Let's take a simple example. You sing in a church choir. A new person comes to that choir and sits next to you. You have choir practice and throughout the entire practice you notice this person sitting next to you is often off key or otherwise not able to follow the tune or the melody. Based upon that information you make the assumption that this person is not a very good singer. Then the person does not come for a couple more weeks and the choir director asks who knows the person and should the choir invite the person to come. You are asked and you say "Well certainly we want everyone to come who would like to come, but in truth that person is probably not a very good singer. Maybe we do not want to invite them." For all you know that person is not a very good singer. You made the assuption based upon the information you had that they did not sing well the day the person sat next to you. However, for all you know that person was having a hard day; that person may have been under stress. The person may have had some sort of illness or difficulty in their throat resulting in their inability to stay on tone and on track with the notes. You heard the person sing once. A poor job was done so you assume, based on that information, that the person is not a good singer and you report that information to the choir director. Your report to the choir in general about this person's capacity could have a very emotionally damaging or injurious effect upon this person. You see the point.
A less specific example. The following paragraph contains a method that many people often use which results in difficulty and yet that person does not realize they are causing difficulty.
Often Person A attempts to try and soften the negative impact of information regarding Person B when talking to Person C. Are you confused yet? In other words Person B has done something that has caused Person C to have an upset or to be concerned. Person C is talking to Person A about it. Person A tells Person C information about Person B which is based upon Person A's assumptions about Person B which may or may not be correct. If you follow what I am trying to say here, it becomes clear that the intent is not to injure. The intent is to try and soften the blow or the emotional upset or the stress that Person C is feeling as a result of Person B's behavior by Person A telling Person C that Person B has certain issues or problems or this' or thats that makes a difference therefore that's why Person B did what they did.
Let me offer a more concrete example. Pastor Smith is the pastor of a small church in the community. He is a very strong and loving pastor and wants to do well by all of his parishioners. He makes a strong effort to take care of his sheep, as it were. Pastor Smith finds out that Pastor Jones, down the street and around the corner, has gone to the house of one of Pastor Smith's parishioners seeking some help from that parishioner. Pastor Jones is the pastor of a church down the street from Pastor Smith. They are both pastors of the same denomination, just in different parishes or congregations. Pastor Smith is rather distressed that Pastor Jones would go to the house of his parishioners and ask for help without talking to Pastor Smith in the first place. Obviously Pastor Jones would have been wise to talk to Pastor Smith first, but he did not. After all they're friends, and they have the same goals in mind. Pastor Smith becomes aware and now he is a bit distressed. You, in talking to Pastor Smith, attempt to make things all right or smooth things over by telling Pastor Smith some information that you "know" based upon the interaction you have had with Pastor Jones and the assumptions you have developed out of that interaction and information. So you speak with Pastor Smith telling him that Pastor Jones is this and is that and he has this problem and he has that problem and he's good here and he is not so good there and Pastor Smith should really overlook this or forgive him. All that would seem like a nice idea to kind of smooth the water between the two pastors. The problem with what you told Pastor Smith is this: How well do you know Pastor Jones? Do you know that the information you told Pastor Smith about Pastor Jones is correct? Do you know that whatever words you put in the mind of Pastor Smith; whatever information you put in the mind or heart of Pastor Smith about Pastor Jones is correct? Perhaps you have helped the situation. Probably in the short run you have helped the situation. However, perhaps in the long run you have created more damage by passing incorrect assumptions to Pastor Smith about Pastor Jones than had you kept your big mouth shut in the first place. I think you understand my example.
Often we attempt to make things okay or to make things better, but in the process we actually muddy the water. In the process of our attempting to make things better we actually make things worse because we are providing information that is based upon assumptions which we have made which assumptions are not particularly correct. I suppose that is why when we were children almost all of us, when we came tattling on our siblings, were told "mind your own business." I was told that by my parents. It is probably a very good idea to mind your own business and not even attempt to make things better when we do not know how or what would, in truth, make things better. We need to learn to mind our own business.
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