I was thinking as I was driving down the road about how people will ask another person when they meet the other person: "How are you?" Usually the other person will say: "I am fine." The person says they are fine because if the person said anything else, then person asking would probably not hear it, or if they did hear it then the asking person would likely be most uncomfortable because then s/he would have to listen for awhile.
I have learned over my life that people really do not care how you are. Now I am not trying to belittle anyone or hurt anyone's feelings. People do concern themselves about the welfare of others. I believe that. However, I also believe that everyone is so busy with their own problems, difficulties, issues going on in their life that they really do not have time to do a whole lot of listening or talking when they ask: "How are you?" and you anwer: "I am not doing too well." Answer that way and they become real antsy (unless they are a close friend). Give it a try. See what happens. Typically the person who is talking to you is overwhelmed by their own issues and problems, and they are doing pretty well, but they have a thousand things to do. They have got to go here: they have got to go there. They have to go to this meeting; they have to go to that meeting. They have got to help this person; they have this assignment and that assignment. They have lots to do and, therefore, they do not really care, or they do not have the time or energy to care. To my way of thinking "caring" is an ongoing process. It means that you make a day to day or an hour to hour, or at least every few days, effort to do something for the person or group about whom you profess caring.
Now I know that there is the general sense of "I love you brother" or "I care about mankind" or "I hope mankind does well." For example, I am a member of the American Psychological Association and I can vote for leaders to carry out whatever I think would make a society and mankind better off. But that is not the kind of caring I am talking about. I am not talking about institutionalized caring. I suppose that it is only fair to say that when somebody comes up to you and says "How are you doing today;" what they are really saying is: "I see you and I am greeting you and I am making a notation that you are in my environment." And that is really all they are doing.
When I personally ask: "How are you doing" or "How is life treating you?" or "What have you been up to?" or any of a number of other queries, I intentionally mean what I ask and I am quite willing to hear an answer. Although to be truthful, I am not interested in a 25 or 40 minute answer, but I would like to hear how they are really doing. And then maybe I will carry on and we will get into that 25 or 40 minute conversation. Who knows? I am really interested to hear. And when I am not really interested to hear the answer, I do not ask the question. Those are reasons people communicate well with me, at least those who do communicate with me. There are those people who, even though I ask how they are doing, do not respond much other than "fine".
And now for another truth that I believe. We as humans, especially in the society in which we Americans live, really do not have a whole lot of time to spend energy caring for very many people. I mean as in the kind of definition I am talking about. We are so busy and so pressed and have so many things to do in order for us and our families or loved ones to survive, that there is not a whole lot of time left. We do help when we belong to a church or a social group or a service group we spend energy there and do not have much time or energy left.
This is my whole reasoning for saying it is very difficult, at least for me, to have more than two or three or four really close, good friends that are outside the family unit. You just do not have time to do what should be done, in my mind, with someone who is in the close friend category.
Probably, that is why most of us do not have lots of really close friends.
I know that many people look as if they have lots of close friends. They have parties. They invite them over. They hang out. They go hunting together. They go fishing together. They buddy up at church or at the club or wherever they go. However, if you look closely at how much energy is put into the individual, one-on-one relationship it is likely it will not appear so very close from the inside view. I am willing to predict that there is not a lot of personal ongoing day to day energy put into those various relationships. So superficially they look like they have lots of close friends, but indeed they do not have a lot of very close friends. Of course I may be dead wrong with this. I may be totally off my rocker and out of my gord saying these things, but it really strikes me that this is the way it is.
Now, this becomes very important. Assuming I am correct, (and we all know how dangerous assumptions are), it behoves each of us to very carefully choose the people with whom we become very close friends; very intimate friends. I think it is quite possible that many people flit from friend to friend to friend to friend; jumping, jumping, jumping over time because they were not careful in choosing. They get into a relationship with a person and think: "Oh, this is a great person. I am going to hang out with them. They are really cool." But then as they get to know the person, it is not a situation that makes the person feel comfortable. So they jump to another person and think: "This person seems like a nice person...." And so it goes. What I am telling you is that in my opinion it is extremely important to become very...I do not know if judgemental is a proper word... but very picky (maybe that is not even a proper word) about the people with whom you or I determine to become very deep close friends.
The next point I would make is this. When you do find that person; a very deep, close friend, even someone you may love who is not in the family realm; then you must protect your investment. You need to recognize the friend is worth his or her weight in gold! Because not very many times do very close friends come along. They just do not. When you find one, hang on with all your might!
I tell you that by personal experience. As you, I have had many, many friends, and even some that I would think were fairly close friends. But in truth, I have only one very close deep friendship (outside of family) and I am not even sure how long that one will last. I hope it will last forever. I certainly pray that it does, and I think it will, but who knows for certain. I am certainly making my effort to hang on with all my might. Beyond that person I have many aquaintances; friends. I am interested in having a close friend or two, but the problem is to many, many close friends (or even a bunch of regular friends) is they require time, too much time. Perhaps I am sort of selfish that way, perhaps you are too. The point for me is I am picky. And I only allow myself that emotional closeness with people (at present only with one person) whom I know will return the same level of friendship and sincerity and contact. A very close deep friend is someone with whom you can share anything. A very close deep friendship is with someone who will help you and support you in anything and everything you need. If you look at it that way it becomes pretty apparent that not too many people are going to be your really deep close friends.
So I say again. When you find someone who will match you really well in terms of being a very close, personal, deep friend (even someone you love), you should seriously consider hanging onto that person with all your might because that person is worth his or her weight in gold. And of course hanging on means you need to do your portion to receive what portion you want to receive. The few times in my personal life where I have had a very deep close friend, it has been the most rewarding experience outside of the family that I have had. Work is rewarding. Social clubs can be rewarding. Religion is rewarding. Sports can be rewarding as can other situations. However, unlikely anything is as rewarding as a really close, deep friend, especially if that person is a spouse or partner in life.