This writing is about relationships; about serious, committed relationships or marriage. In this portion of the subject I will talk about some of the pitfalls and problems I think cause relationships or marriages to self-destruct and/or have problems even though they may stay together. I speak about heterosexual relationships because I am not certain that these comments will all fit gay relationships. Although certainly some of these comments would be useful in any relationship.
It seems to me there are a number of reason for disruption and problems in a serious relationship. I use the word marriage from this point on even though those of you who are in serious relationships, but not legally married recognize that I am speaking about your situation as well. I just do not want to double up words all the time.
Why Are There Problems in Serious Relationships/Marriage?
The MAJOR PROBLEM that occurs in most serious relationships that creates small amounts and/or significant amounts of destruction IS CHANGE IN THE AMOUNT OF TIME that is expended on the relationship.
That is without a doubt the primary reason a majority of relationships fall apart. There
are other reasons, of course. But for most solid marriages, the problem is time. Think of it in this example. The period of the relationship development and the amount of time that has been invested is like two people standing at a bicycle pump, pumping up a big inner tube. Every single time they expend energy on the relationship and make one more pump, one more thrust putting air in, the tube finally expands to a full size and the couple decides: "This is the deal and we are going to get married" or maintain a committed relationship.
But, (you know what I am going to say) the relationship hits a snag because there is a slow, sometimes fast, leak of air out of the inner tube, out of this relationship. And it slowly goes away because of the lack of continued pumping of the air.
What causes that lack of time once you are married? Now do not become upset with me, but the reality of life is that children can cause a lack of time spent on the relationship. Certainly, on another hand children strengthen a relationship and strengthen the interaction between the couple when they are dealing with the children.
However, if children take away most or all of the time that a couple has to invest in each other,
the children unintentionall contribute to the air slowly oozing out of the inner tube of the relationship.
I'm not against children. Personally I love children--I have six. Those of you reading this do not
know that I am an older guy and my children are all grown and married, but I would have another set of children if I found some woman that wanted to do that because I love children. So my statement about children has nothing to do with me being contrary to children in a relationship. Indeed, as I said, children provide many strengthening factors for a relationship.
Another significant issue potentially contributing to problems in a relationship is the time dealing with employment--jobs. When the relationship is developing people may be working, or maybe they are going to school and that is the job they have. Whatever extra time they have can be spent with each other. The couple can take time to include the other person, as best as they can, in their work situation. So, for example, they call each other while they are are working or at school, one or the other one will come by and have lunch or even just make eyes at the other for a few minutes to reinforce the fact that "I am thinking about you day and night." However, the deeper we get into the world of work, we become very busy. We do not take time to make that phone call or drop by the work site to say 'hello.' Often both people work. Some work situations require evening work and/or require weekend work. More time is stolen from the couple to be able to maintain their relationship strength.
Other worthwhile factors, such as community service, church service, youth league coaching, guys/ladies night out, extended family needs, etc. all require time. Time that becomes essentially stolen from the couple to keep the fire of relationship strength burning. Obviously there are also selfish factors which can steal time.
Other factors create problems. It is true that there are occasions and there are people who are wanderers, who are philanderers, who wander and cannot seem to remain solid with their spouse/partner and therefore become involved with others. However, it is likely that a majority of affairs occur because the air has gone so far out of the inner tube or the marital relationship. The person who wanders or who has the affair feels like there is nothing really left in the relationship with their spouse. Sadly, it is more often that men wander than women, but do not mistake that women also wander and have affairs. This kind of behavior is totally foolish, selfish and shows a stupid person. It is simply not a behavior worthy of a serious relationship. If you want to be a player, do not be married. This writing will not go into all the disruptive factors which occur with extramarital affairs. Know that they are legion!
Often affairs are not sexual. Many are affairs of interest. One or the other in the couple develops a significant interest in who knows what, athletic involvement, riding bicycles, Nascar races, video games, sewing, cooking, a service club, church or whatever. These are affairs that are not sexual and therefore are not labeled as "bad" or "disrupting" marriage, especially they often involve socially acceptable behavior. Yet they act in a fashion which can be very disrupting. The reason these other affairs of the heart are disrupting is because they require time, energy, and money. They require effort which takes away from the spouse or the marriage. Every spare moment the person is out doing something besides investing energy into the marriage/relationship. An affair does not need to be with another person and/or of a sexual nature. An affair is something that takes a person and their interest away from the primary relationship into other areas. Do not misunderstand me. I am not suggesting that developing an interest in boating or a hobby of cooking or whatever is wrong or bad. I am not suggesting that at all. What I am suggesting is that the individuals in the relationship or marriage need to maintain some significant amount of time with each other and emotionally continue their communication, the intimacy, the involvement that got them going in the first place so that their relationship remains strong.
Another problem not yet mentioned which often does become a great debilitating problem in a marriage is the marital bed: Sex. Whether sex begins before the marriage or whether it begins after the marriage occurs, sex is a most powerful and strong portion of the relationship. I suggest to you that appropriate sexual contact is one of the strongest emotionally binding factors that occurs in a relationship. If we look at sexual behavior as a non-verbal
communication, then sexual behavior between a couple is one of the most powerful
non-verbal communicators of "I love you and I want to be with you." (Obviously, if you think along these lines it becomes easy to understand why sex outside of the relationship is
extremely destructive.)
What happens in many relationships is sex diminishes just like the rest of the relationship diminishes. "I love him." "I love her." "He knows it." "She knows it." "Therefore we don't need to spend our time on our relationship." And just like communication goes away, just like emotional strength goes away, sexual contact goes away and with it goes the strength of the relationship.
So now it is easy to see that that there are numerous factors which help the ooze of air out of
the inner tube of the marriage.