The Psychotic Doctor

I have learned a couple of things in my life and one of them is that humor is very good medicine. Reader's digest used to have a section, maybe they still do I don't know, which was titled, "Laughter is the Best Medicine." There is no question but what humor is a tremendous emotional uplift for most of us. There are many reasons for this. One of the many of is that us males of the species who do not know how to express our feelings very well. The consequence is we do not get our emotions expressed. That is another whole topic which I will go into later. The problem is that many of us do not express our feelings, especially tender or happy feelings. When we do not, we cripple ourselves in unnecessary ways. So, laugh it up. It is great medicine.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director
what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should
be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her
to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use
the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," said the Director, "a normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a room with or without a view?

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story.
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1.You have enough clothes.
1.You have too many shoes.
1.I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

To read more humor,
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OK, guys...the Guy's Rules were nice, BUT THESE are the real rules:

1. The Female always makes the Rules.
2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
3. The Female is never wrong.
4. No Male can possibly know all the Rules.
5. If the Female suspects the Male knows all the Rules, she must immediately change some or all of the Rules.
6. If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding
which was a direct result of something the Male did or said.
7. If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing said misunderstanding.
8. The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.
9. The Male must never change his mind without express written consent of the Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. Any attempt to document these Rules could result in bodily harm.
14. If the Female has PMS, all Rules are null and void.

Enough with the serious stuff!!! Need some smiles here:

1. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.
2. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
3. Beer has never caused a major war.
4. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
5. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.
6. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.
7. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.
8. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.
9. You can prove you have a Beer.
10. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.

More smiles:

1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.
4. Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
5. Dogs don't criticize your friends.
6. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
7. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
8. Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
9. Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you're together.
10. Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
11. You can train a dog.
12. Dogs are easy to buy for.
13. Dogs are good with kids.
14. Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.
15. You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
16. Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous.
17. The worst social disease you can get fron dogs is fleas. (OK. The *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)
18. Dogs understand what no means.
19. Dogs don't need therapy to undo their bad socialization.
20. Dogs don't make a practice of killing their own species.
21. Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
22. Dogs do not read at the table.
23. Dogs think you are a culinary genius.
24. You can house train a dog.
25. You can force a dog to take a bath.
26. Dogs don't correct your stories.
27. Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
28. Dogs aren't threatened by a woman with short hair.
29. Dogs aren't threatened by two women with short hair.
30. Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff.
31. Dogs look at your eyes.
32. Dogs like your size.

OK...the boys get equal time.

1. The later you are, the more excited they are to see you.
2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
5. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
6. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
7. A dog's parents never visit.
8. Dogs do not hate their bodies.
9. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
10. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.
11. Dogs seldom outlive you.
12. Dogs can't talk.
13. Dogs enjoy petting in public.
14. You never have to wait for a dog. They are ready to go 24 hours a day.
15. Dogs find you amusing when you are drunk.
16. Dogs like to go hunting.
17. Another man will seldom steal your dog.
18. If you bring another dog home, your dog will be happy to play with both of you.
19. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask: "If I died, would you get another dog?"
20. If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in your hotel room for free.
21. If your dog has babies, you can put an ad in the newspaper and give them away.
22. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
23. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car, jewelry, etc.
24. If your dog smells another dog on you, it won't get mad. It just thinks it is interesting.
25. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater or AC or the stereo.
26. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
27. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
28. Dogs are not allowed in Macy's, Norstroms, Bloomingdales, or Neiman-Marcus.
29. If a dog leaves, it won't take half your stuff.

Perfect, you ask? I am here to tell you about the perfect weight loss program: Depression. Not an agitated depression because that makes you want to eat your sadness into oblivion. No, I am talking about a good, old fashion depression where you do not care whether the sun rises or explodes, whether the day is hot or cold, whether the food on the table is your favorite or the worst you have ever tasted, whether you see anyone or not, whether you get out of bed or not, whether a black cat crosses your path or not, and so on! YEP! Good Old Fashioned Depression will do the trick for your weight issue.

Of course, while you are losing weight by the pound, you are also losing a lot of other stuff...like self-esteem and happy loved ones. It is up to you: Weight Loss or Happy Days. It is your choice.

What do you expect from such simple creatures? No wonder men are happier:

* Your last name stays put.
* The garage is all yours.
* Car mechanics tell you the truth.
* The world is your urinal.
* You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
* You know stuff about tanks.
* A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
* You can open all your own jars.
* New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
* Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
* Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
* Everything on your face stays its original color.
* The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
* You can play with toys all your life.
* Your belly usually hides your big hips.
* You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
* You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.