Scottish Philosophy – Lachie’s Laws

The great Highland philosopher, Lachlan McLachlan, propounded a number of irrefutable laws of life. His greatest observations were made at the bar of the Auchentiddlum Arms, usually after consuming copious quantities of Buckfast Tonic Wine. Here are some of his greatest insights recorded by his great admirer Jimmy Boswell.

Lachie’s Laws

  • “Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.”
  • “The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.”
  • “The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.”
  • “The most common cause of hearing loss among men is a wife saying she wants to talk to him.”
  • “All marriages are happy – it’s the living together afterwards that causes all the problems.”
  • “Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right – and the other person is a husband.”
  • “No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.”
  • “Any married man can forget his past mistakes – there’s no reason for two people to keep track of the same things.”
  • “Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.”
  • “The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.”
  • “Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.”
  • “The man who thinks he knows it all, is a pain in the neck to those of us who really do.”
  • “Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.”
  • “The reason we Scots fight so often among ourselves is that we’re always assured of having a worthy opponent.”
  • “When you go to court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 15 people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.” (Note that there are 15 jurors in Scotland, not 12.)
  • “Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.”
  • “There is no vaccine against stupidity!”
  • “Don’t worry about what people think – they don’t do it very often.”
  • “Think about this…No one ever says “Its only a game” when his team is winning.”
  • “Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.”

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